Reflection in the 24th Century: If I die Young

There are times when I still question myself.
I begin to wonder if this right here is where I should be.
I ask myself if the job is what I want.
I question if I have spent way too long in this town.
My mind begins to wonder if there is yet another challenge out there.
My inner self tells me to take my story to the next chapter…somewhere else.

Yes… there are times and moments when I start to feel as if there is yet another challenge out there.
For some reason…now unlike then…before I can even begin to think of such a thing…
I find myself wanting to celebrate.

Yes… for what it’s worth I have finally began to celebrate the success in my life.

I still think hard…and reflect even harder..but there is something about getting older.
Wisdom arrives. With wisdom comes peace. With peace comes the understanding that life is too short to be mad..
to hold grudges against others as well as myself.

Wisdom gives me the chance to do something I have wanted to do for such a long time…
and that is to…celebrate.

If you know me well, you know that I have a lot to celebrate.

I celebrate those who helped me get to this point.

I remember the friends who gave me great incite, who challenged me to to think outside the box
and yet they are no longer a part of my life.
Maybe it’s because we grew up at different stages of our lives.
Maybe it’s because we live in different countries.
Maybe it’s because people truly do come into our lives for a reason, season, or a lifetime.
For whatever it’s worth, I speak their names.

I celebrate the stressful times especially the times when I thought life was a struggle.

I remember the late night walks around the Quad at LSU.
talking to myself…trying to convince myself that where I was is exactly where I should be.
When I moved on from Louisiana the late night walks did not stop.
Instead of myself, people replaced me… not in that sense.

I found myself opening up to people about who I was and who I was afraid of becoming.
I found myself finally letting go.
Til this day, I can’t remember the day I realized that I could not do it all alone
but right here and right now… I say to myself… Thank you. Thank you for finally letting go.

I celebrate the moment when I finally began to understand my purpose in life.

I am here to help people.
I have yet to figure out what that means but I know it means a great deal.
I want people to see their true worth.
I want people to celebrate themselves.
I want people to wake up smiling and go to bed happy.
I want people to realize the beauty of their dreams.

And yet…

I am also here to help myself.
I want to..no I have to continue to grow as a human being who matters.
I want to see myself as a person capable of change.
I am here to know..to learn… and to grow.

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

(If I Die Young: The Band Perry)

Reflection in the 24th Century: I Remember Me

I remember me.

Years ago.
I remember the lifetime of dreams.
I remember the moments of self reflection.
I remember the memories of what had been done.
Memories of what was to come…
and memories… memories of what to hope for.

I remember me.

Two years ago… I found myself starting over from scratch
analyzing my current friendships and wondering what was to come.

There were days when I was hopeful… excited about change.
There were days when I just wanted to stay in bed… fearful.
Afraid to acknowledge myself as a human being who mattered.

I remember me.

Seven years ago… I found myself on a journey in the Pacific Northwest without a path.
I remember thinking too much, wanting to fast forward to the future… a future I knew nothing about.
A future that I was simply not ready for.

I remember me.

I remember being this naive nineteen year old…
Troubled and sad…
Borderline depressed and yet still trying to find a way to change the world
as well as myself along the way.
I worried so much back then and yet… I still do now.

I remember me.

I remember my family and loved ones.
I try to block out the horrible moments
I try to forget the ways as to why I completely ignore one side of my family…
And yet I still remember myself as a child completely helpless and abused
with those same people choosing to turn the other cheek.

God knows that I want to forgive them
but for some reason the eight year old in me holds on to so much
that he simply cannot forgive without forgetting.
He knows now what he knew then.
None of it was his fault.

Over the years he has found a way to forgive himself while still
searching for ways to forgive others…

I remember me.

I remember every huge step I made.
I remember every big life decision I made on my own.
I remember every single fear and anxiety that almost consumed me.
I remember knowing that at the end of the day, I would always and forever
have to fall back on myself. It was not my fault. Just my destiny.

I remember me.
I remember seeing others doing things for themselves.
The same things that I could not and would not do for myself.

I remember me. I remember me now.
I am back at the crossroads of life.
I can forgive and forget.
I can learn to let go and live.
I can say what I mean and just walk away.

After every moment in life
we will forever and always remember the great things in life.
the moments we cherish so much that we do not want them to end.

At the end of the day…
when it is all said and done
when I have fought the good fight
when I have said all that I could say
when I have felt all that I could feel
when I have preached all that I could preach
when my story has finally been told

I will remember me.

But I remember me, I remember me
It don’t matter where I go, what I’m told, now you know
I remember me, I remember me
Even if I say goodbye, start to cry, do or die
I remember me

(Jennifer Hudson-I Remember Me)

 

Reflection in the 24th Century: Wait til You See My Smile

Here’s a thought to be remembered.

How does one try so hard to maintain a positive attitude?
How does one try so hard to see the good in people?
How does one do his/her best in a world where all the world’s a stage
and everyone else’s comfort zone revolves around not being happy.

Tis true.
We live in a society where we have forgotten the definition of happiness.
We live in a world where it is often easier to criticize rather than praise.
We have forgotten to support one another. To love one another.
To find the ways and the days as well as the times when all we knew
was that life was simple and our purpose in this world.. was… well.. to be happy.

We live in a complex society these days.
Our jobs have become a way of life.
Our occupations now guide us.
Our careers tells us where we need to go.
They have become the measurement of success.

You know what I’m talking about.
We have a special need to feel that we belong.
We have this longing to achieve a certain status in life.

It feels like ages.
Yet not that long ago
I felt the exact same way.

I lived for what I did for a living.
My job was my life.
My life was my job.
Hours and hours in the day.
Moments in time.
Months out of the year.
I made sacrifices.

I sacrificed my family.
I forgot about my friends.
I even forgot about myself.

I told myself that life was not about me.
It was about supporting other people.
I was told to never think about myself because at the end of the day
life is not measured by how you think of yourself.
Life is measured in the context of how others think about you.

What I wouldn’t give to have those moments back.
I would go back in time.
I would listen to myself.
I would treasure the small moments.
I would smile and embrace my friends.
I would live in the moment of being close to my family.
At the end of the day, I would just smile and be thankful.

And yet I can’t go back.

I can’t undo the past.
I can’t undo the times when I forgot about people.
I can’t undo the moments and the holidays where I chose to forget about family.
I can’t undo the moments of loneliness when I needed my family and my friends…
and yet I was too prideful to reach out.

And now… I find myself battling resistance.
I find myself trying to undo all that is wrong in the world.
I find myself trying so hard to help people understand
that in this moment… in this world… instead of forgetting and criticizing
all we need is to smile. to be happy. to know that we are great people.

When your head is in a certain place
Nobody around to make you safe
Stand strong and you will grow

wait till you see my smile
wait till they see your smile

don’t they love to see you down
kick you while you are on the ground
don’t let emotions show

people always speculate
don’t let them get in your way
see they say things they don’t know
sing

wait till you see my smile
wait till they see your smile

(Alicia Keys-Wait Til You See My Smile)

Inspiration and Appreciation: Remembering Adam

God works in mysterious ways…”

I dont remember the first time I met Adam.
I don’t remember our first words or the first time we had a disagreement.

Last night I received a text informing me of his death.

I was stunned.
I was speechless.
I was… a man without words.

As I sat down last night,
I began to remember.
I remembered this kid who had worked so hard
and was destined to become a man of character.

I remembered this person who cared so much for people
his people
whether they were his family he had come in contact with.

I remembered this person who always had a smile on his face
this person who for some reason managed to find the good in people
even if they could not find the good in themselves.

Adam, you and I didn’t always see eye to eye.
We didn’t always agree.
Yet, I would like to believe that there was a mutual respect.

I hope that wherever you are,
you are doing great things and inspiring the heavens above.

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown